I'd like to grace me with your presence...Sunday, October 8, 20068:12AM - and tell me how you feel about that....So counceling is going well. The psychiatrists name is Stephanie...shes nice. I've been twice now and I go again in 2 days. Im still so withdrawn most of the time. I dont care to hang out with friends anymore...I dont like being around people most of the time. I don't answer my phone. I like to be alone in my room all day. And Im very content there. I really just dont care much about anything anymore. I dont care whether or not I get out of bed, or whether or not I eat, or whether or not I sleep. I don't know how my friends put up with me...I dont want them around but as soon as I have a panic/anxiety attack I want them there to help me. I dont deserve my friends. They are amazing to me. And theyre always there when I need them the most. I'll slowly get stronger..and hopefully get my life back on track. I signed up for a community college- Im going to start there in the spring and get some generals done. Then I want to transfer to a university....although Im not sure where...I kind of want to go to a bigger city. We'll see how things are going then and what Im up for. The west coast might be nice. But I like the south too..this next year should be really interesting... Sunday, September 3, 20061:25AMTo whom it may concern (and there's more than one): Friday, August 25, 20069:12AM - Balloons or no balloons.Im nearing the end of my 2 1/2 week stay in North carolina. I want to go back and see my friends, but I dont want to leave Ry!! I am so completely wonderfully in love with this boy. Seriously...Im just content and happy with everything right now. We celebrated Ryan's birthday when I first got here, and then a couple days later was our 4 month!! And the rest of the time we've been watching movies, going to shows, eating...we eat a lot. Current music: The Format "Janet" Friday, August 11, 200612:16PM - I like where you sleep, when you sleep next to me.I am in North Carolina! I got in last night. I am so incredibly happy. I've missed Ryan so much and I don't think I realized it until I saw him. I really have nothing else to say...nothing bad at all. I'm just enjoying my complete amazing-ness here. And Im playing with this little dachshund theyre babysitting. I want one of these. It's the cutest little thing ever. Someone buy me one. Wednesday, August 9, 20067:42AM - What has love become?Travis and Shanna divorced!!! I'm completely depressed about it. It's sad when you see these reality tv shows where the couples are so in love, and so right for eachother, and then as soon as the season ends they split. It's sad that people have to edit a marriage so it looks perfect, when obviously it's not. I don't understand how people can even think of divorce as an option. Unless my husband is cheating on me or abusing me I wouldn't leave him, no matter how much I don't like him at times, ya know? Hard times come, you dont just pick up and leave a relationship. All I know is, I'm getting married once. And then I'm stealing baby Landon from the Barkers, because I want him. Sunday, August 6, 20066:12PM - Love is giving someone the ability to hurt you, and trusting them not to.I've had an interesting week. I keep hearing rumors again. It's SO HARD to sit here and listen to what people say about the person I'm with. I know he has a past. We all do. I'm aware that he's made mistakes....I swear I'm NOT that perfect either. But I know he's trying. I know him better than anyone he's been with in the past because I know him NOW, and I know where he is at this point in his life. So I'm gonna try really hard not to get upset anymore. I've spent too much time crying and agonizing over something that isn't happening. I don't care if people think I'm stupid. I'm willing to take the risk. Because he is what makes me happy. And people can think what they want, because they don't know how we are. I can't wait until I can just leave this week, and get out of here for a while. 2 more days...and then I'm getting an amazing 2 1/2 week vacation. Yessss. Current music: Benjamin Gibbard- "They don't know about us" Saturday, July 15, 20062:54PMI'm at work. And I'm sick. I've had this cough thing for a couple weeks. I get nautious a lot. And I sleep ALL the time. I went to the doctor and got meds, but I've been having weird reactions to them so I think I have to go back in. I woke up this morning shaking and my heart was racing, before I even got out of bed. There have been a couple other times, where I get really dizzy and weird sensations in my head and neck. And the shaking never goes away. Ever. I'll be laying down watching movies and my hands will still be shaking. I've been taking my meds regularly, for once. I take histex for my cough, lexapro and wellbutrin for depression/anxiety, a decongestant for my sinuses, zyrtec for allergies, and ambien for sleep. I guess when you list it all out it seems like a lot. I never noticed. But I don't like it. I don't like knowing that I have to start every day with a handful of pills. It's not normal. It makes me feel fragile and weak, abnormal. The worst part is they don't even work. My anxiety is getting steadily worse. Little things make me cry. My panic attacks used to be fairly rare, and now I have probably about three extreme ones a week. Sometimes I feel like fixing me is hopeless, and I should just come to terms with the fact that I'll always be sick on some level. I have to force myself to hang out with friends now. I just never want to see anyone. I like my family and Ryan. I love my friends...but have you ever just wanted to be alone? Thats me, all the time. I was bored at work yesterday and I looked up Lexapro. It said it was commonly used for "major depression aka feeling like whale shit at the bottom of the ocean." That made me laugh. But it's so true. Friday, June 16, 20069:41PMI hear things. Like understandably, my boyfriend is on tour, and weird stuff will get around. But I don't want to know it. Because I know what we have and I don't want doubt to be introduced into our relationship. I can't tell if this makes me smarter or an idiot. I don't doubt my friends, and I definitely don't doubt Ryan, I just doubt myself and the decisions I make. Friday, June 2, 200610:15PM - Thanks for the change.you're going to have fights with your friends, you're going to lose some of your friends, you may even fall in love with one of your friends. you will eventually lose someone you love - and love someone you never thought you'd find. people are going to hate you, love you, love to hate you, and hate to love you, but the ones that mean the most will always be there. Friday, May 19, 20067:38PMWork is sooooo long. I mean, its not too bad, I can think of worse things to do with my time. It keeps me busy, ya know? And I make good money, which I need right now. Because my parents took away my lifeline--the credit card. Im officially paying for everything I own. It's kind of a weird feeling. Only one more day of work and then I get two days off!! I cannot WAIT. Tuesday, May 16, 20062:59AMI actually read through my entries today and realized how depressing it is. Im a happy person, but I think I just vent all my frustration and sadness into this. There's a lot I would probably like to say to people...but I won't. I would rather keep things to myself then cause drama or tension. It's probably not good that I bottle up so much..but Im dealing. Im anxious tonight. My mind is racing. I cant sleep but I dont want to get up either. So Im laying in my hallway with my laptop, because Summer is in my bed and I don't want to wake her. Im making egg sandwiches in the morning. Maybe then I'll feel a little better. Goodnight. Tuesday, May 2, 20062:50AMIt's been a while. Things have definitely changed. Being home in Kentucky is wonderful. Seriously, it might be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have incredible friends here, a supportive family, and a lot more opportunities than I would have ever had in Utah. I'm in love with my life, and I am really excited to see where it will go in the next year...I have a feeling that a lot will happen. Sunday, March 5, 20062:49AMIts been a while. Things suck. I knew that if I came back to Kentucky I'd fall back into my old life, which i loved, and then I wouldn't want to move back to Utah. And sure enough I love it here. If it wasnt for that one person I would never go back to utah, it wouldn't even be an option. And he won't move here because he's pursuing his career and has a life there. But I have a life here, and I can only go to school here because I have instate...I have things to do here. I cant just follow someone around for the rest of my life, can I? Is that what love is all about? Most of the time I'd happily do it. I want to be so in love that I would go anywhere and do anything for someone, but I also want that someone to be that much in love with me. I make so many sacrifices...I atleast need the reassurance that Im doing it for a good reason, and my effort isnt for nothing in the end. But I never directly get that, atleast not as of now. Its just hard, and sucky, and I dont want to deal with any of it. Im putting so much of my life and heart and passion into this I just hope it's worth it in the end. I need someone to tell me it will be worth it in the end. Current mood:  lonelySunday, January 22, 20069:07PMI think I'm bipolar. Because today was great. And so was yesterday. How do some people seem like they never have bad days? Like they just float through life like it's a cake walk. I guess it's good those people exist because they balance people like me out. I just think it's so funny how one day I can be the biggest downer ever and then there's today and the only thing I'm worried about is what movie to watch. I hope I never come off like I think, because I don't know who would put up with me. I guess I live journal so that I don't have to ever say everything I'm actually thinking. Some of this is normal though, right? I'm only 18, I shouldn't have everything figured out. It's supposed to be complicated and shitty and I have a lot of experimenting and a lot of growing up to do. I'm supposed to be unreliable and my head isn't supposed to be screwed on so tight and no one should expect otherwise of me. Anyways, I'm done analyzing myself tonight. Current music: Coheed and Cambria "The Suffering" Friday, January 20, 20069:06PMThe worst feeling in the world must be falling in love with someone who will never love you. My heart is literally broken. And I'm not okay. I'm not going to be ok for a while. At times I would much rather just move home and be with my parents. I miss my mom. She gets me through everything. I had two anxiety attacks today. One last night right before I went to sleep. The same symptoms...I started breathing too hard and then couldnt stop crying long enough to catch my breath. I was just rocking back and forth and couldnt stop moving. I had to take two ambien just so I could calm down and fall asleep. Then tonight, after a dramatic event, the same thing happened. I sat in my car for an hour half crying and dry heaving and screaming "Fuck shit, why the fuck!" among other things like "why the fuck are you doing this?" and "i want to fuckin die." Of course I don't really want to die. I would simply like to remove myself from life itself because it seems that all I do is cause drama and piss off the people who are most important to me. I've been nothing but a hinderance and a problem since I got here, and I think it's safe to say that certain people wish I had never came. I have nothing going for me here. I like school but I often lack the motivation to go to classes. I have some amazing friends but I'm causing problems for them. My mom told me today if I don't start feeling better she's just going to move me home. Atleast at home I have a family. I'll have less anxiety, I think, and when I need extra help and support I won't have to cause a lot of drama to get it. I know what I want to do, but I dont know if its the right thing to do. That depends on someone else. Current mood: crushedCurrent music: bright eyes: lover i dont have to love 2:56PMA typical day in my life: I wake up slowly. I make sure I set my alarm early so I can go back to sleep and pretend like I slept in, even if I didn’t. I don’t get ready for school. I wear the same jeans I wore yesterday and pull my hair back. I go to class and anal retentively take neat notes. If they aren’t neat enough I’ll have to recopy them later. Sometimes I listen, more than likely I do crosswords. Or I put my head in my knees and wake up an hour later with seams in my face. I don’t talk to anyone or walk with anyone. I just quietly overanalyze everything around me to pass the time. I sometimes eat. Usually bread bowls, which might possibly be the greatest invention since its sliced form. When I come home I shower, and then I sit there for a while in the steam because it’s really comfortable. It’ll take me another hour at least to get out of my bathrobe. I always listen to music, and sometimes when lyrics strike me the right way I write them down. I look at pictures a lot. There are a few people that I swear are the reason for my sanity. I like having just a few friends that I’m really close to. I try and go out and DO something at night. Probably so I don’t totally lose touch with reality. When I come home finally I sleep in the shirt I wore that day. I hate wearing pants to bed, because they always twist around my legs. When I lay in bed at night I analyze the day again, and usually freak myself out about something that happened. Everything worries me, and not much is comforting. I don’t like being alone with myself so I try to get to sleep as fast as I can. This routine basically repeats itself every day. I’m slightly sick of it. I don’t even know why I shared it. It’s just what’s on my mind…and I don’t understand that aspect of me. Tuesday, January 3, 20062:32AMI tried to sleep but couldn't. I just ended up crying and crying for no reason again and then got really anxious and couldn't stop moving. I paced my room and the kitchen for a good half hour before I got some tea down and was able to sit again. Even then I couldn't stop rocking back and forth and ringing my hands. It kind of scared me because I felt so much anxiety and there was no reason for it, and I couldnt figure out why I was moving everywhere so manically and I couldn't stop it. I felt like I was going insane. Like diving off my balcony would be a smart idea. I couldn't breathe well either. My mom says I have to go talk to a doctor. Now I'm working on my second night of absolutely no sleep. I wish I didn't feel this way, because I know it can't be normal. I wish there was someone I could call who cared. I wish Chelsea was here. I miss her all over again. 12:19AMIt happened again. I was doing really well all through Christmas break and then tonight I got that stomach dropping feeling again. I got upset over something that is little. Or maybe its not I dont know. But the feeling came over me so fast that my face started burning and I was shaking. I cant calm down and I really feel like crying for hours. I'm scared to go back to school. If this happens at school..I won't get work done, I won't have anyone to comfort me or to help me out. What the hell am I doing? ...This semester might kill me. Current music: Bright Eyes: Lila Sunday, January 1, 200610:28PM - New yearsWhy am I ALWAYS sick? I swear I've been sick more than I've been healthy lately. I lost my voice on Monday and its now the following Sunday and its still gone. Im not getting better either. Its a lot worse actually. So I spent my lovely new years alone in bed all day long, because I get really exhausted from standing or walking too much. And my face wont stop burning, and my eyes won't stop watering. I just want to go home. Current mood:  sickCurrent music: "The Leaving Song Part I" AFI Friday, December 23, 200511:04PMI'm tired. I had a good day and I shouldn't feel like this now. Sometimes, I just don't want to be alone with myself. Because I start feeling sad again and the feeling just intensifies until I get nautious and my stomach turns to knots, my heart drops and all the hot blood rushes to my face. And no matter what I do I can't distract myself from me. Current mood: not good. Current music: "I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked on the Internet" Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) |
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