I'm at work. And I'm sick. I've had this cough thing for a couple weeks. I get nautious a lot. And I sleep ALL the time. I went to the doctor and got meds, but I've been having weird reactions to them so I think I have to go back in. I woke up this morning shaking and my heart was racing, before I even got out of bed. There have been a couple other times, where I get really dizzy and weird sensations in my head and neck. And the shaking never goes away. Ever. I'll be laying down watching movies and my hands will still be shaking. I've been taking my meds regularly, for once. I take histex for my cough, lexapro and wellbutrin for depression/anxiety, a decongestant for my sinuses, zyrtec for allergies, and ambien for sleep. I guess when you list it all out it seems like a lot. I never noticed. But I don't like it. I don't like knowing that I have to start every day with a handful of pills. It's not normal. It makes me feel fragile and weak, abnormal. The worst part is they don't even work. My anxiety is getting steadily worse. Little things make me cry. My panic attacks used to be fairly rare, and now I have probably about three extreme ones a week. Sometimes I feel like fixing me is hopeless, and I should just come to terms with the fact that I'll always be sick on some level. I have to force myself to hang out with friends now. I just never want to see anyone. I like my family and Ryan. I love my friends...but have you ever just wanted to be alone? Thats me, all the time. I was bored at work yesterday and I looked up Lexapro. It said it was commonly used for "major depression aka feeling like whale shit at the bottom of the ocean." That made me laugh. But it's so true.
Things haven't been ALL bad. I'm looking forward to quitting my job in August. My brother comes home wednesday. He's been in brazil for two years. And Ryan comes in the beginning of August, and then I'll get to stay with him for a bit. He got me backstage passes to Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls. AMAZING. I am so excited. And then we have our beach trip at the end of August. I'm only going for a few days but it will be a nice vacation. I have a lot to look forward to.